~Journal of Fire~

A part of me wonders...vaguely....if this is what it's like to be "love sick."

I'd always thought it may have been a tad of an exaggeration to say that something like this could make one "sick," but... apparently it's not. I just wish I knew what happened or what went wrong. I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up...

Anyway.

The movie for the Twilight series comes out in December....and I can't wait to see it.
It seems interesting so far, but I think the original choice for Edward would have been better than the man playing him now. He just doesn't look the part to me. *shrug*
I'm about done with the first book now and I have to say I love Stephanie Myer's writing style - it completely captures the reader and even makes you feel things (powerfully) with the main character, Isabella and with Edward (who, in my mind, is friggin HAWT).

Short entry.


~Tina

"You could be right and I'll be real
Honesty won't be a pain that you'll have to feel
Cause i don't need your approval to find my worth
I've been trapped inside of my own mind
Afraid to open my eyes to what I'd find
I don't want to live like this anymore...

Have you ever felt that your only comfort was your cage?
You're not alone - I have felt the same as you
Have you felt like your secrets give you away?
You're not alone - I have been there too.
Everyone is looking and everyone is laughing
But I think everyone feels the same
Everybody wants to feel okay
Everybody wants to
Everybody wants to feel."

*Lifehouse


I've been thinking a lot today. I'm gonna give you a hypothetical situation just to try and explain what's been rumbling in my head.

Let's say you have three people that are friends - Kate, Mary, and Beth. Now, let's say that Mary thinks something Beth is doing is hurting Kate. So, without telling Kate, Mary approaches Beth and says very nasty, cruel things to her to get her to stop doing whatever Mary thinks Beth is doing that is hurting Kate. Beth, obviously, would be hurt and would possibly think this somehow came from Kate or may blame Kate for what happened without knowing Kate didn't have anything to do with it. So, if neither Kate nor Beth talk about this, the relationship goes awkward and sour for both and Mary walks away thinking she's done something right.
Bad situation, right?

Well, a thought hit me today...
You know, much of my complaints with Christianity today - or rather, my experiences of Christian things - have come from people who presented it to me. Let's face it, especially when you're a child, your perception of who you believe God to be is shaped mostly by what others say about Him and your own experiences.
So...let's flip the situation.
Let's say we're Beth and we're approached by a well-meaning if over-zealous person considering themselves to be a Christian (or at least religious) who says some things about God to us that make us feel resentful or angry at God. Now, because we might take the situation or what the person says at face value and come to believe what they say is true, we may become angry at God, or walk away from Him completely. After all, who needs a "God" who hurts His children like that, right?
Well, just like Kate and Mary, there are a lot of things "Christians" do in God's name that God does not put His approval on (the Crusades, for instance). However, society as a whole tends to judge God off of the actions of those who claim His name. To me, this isn't really fair because...I mean, you wouldn't want someone to do that to you, right? You'd want them to come to you and ask you if you told Mary (or whoever) to slap them and call them a bitch (and if they said they did, then you could commence to kicking their butt lol).

Anyhow...all of that to say...there are a lot of things in my life that I'm not "kosher" with God on...a lot of things I blame Him for or are angry at Him for, which has caused me to really lose touch with Him lately - to the point where calling myself a "Christian" would  almost be a falsehood.
But now I wonder....what if I've been judging Him wrongly or something, you know?
I mean...that doesn't answer all of the questions. There are still things that have happened to me that I'd like to ask Him questions about. But it's something to think about anyway.

I dunno. I've been thinking a lot about life and this rut I've been stuck in lately.
I'm in a very...apathetic time in my life right now. I can't remember caring less about certain things in my life - even my studies have massively slipped.
I feel like I'm just...existing right now, just waking up day to day to make it through and lather, rinse, repeat the next day.
I can't remember when the last time I actually sat down and dealt with something emotionally-based was... I mean, really dealing with it, not sitting there and letting music numb me again. It's gotten to the point where there's so much bottled inside of me that I wouldn't even know where to begin if I wanted to deal with it all. It's like looking in your closet after just tossing piles of stuff in there for months and wondering how in the world you're going to clean it out and what you're going to do with the things you find.
It's an intimidating task.
And now I'm throwing myself haphazardly into these new, terrifying feelings that only seem to intensify and agitate the other intense feelings locked away that I've refused to deal with. Along with affection comes these terrifying "what if" questions and the suspicions I can't seem to turn off. And it's not necessarily that I'm suspicious because of something this person is or isn't doing...I think it's mostly things from my past that I haven't dealt with.

Now I'm sure you're thinking.... "You're only 21 - how much 'past' to deal with could you possibly have??"
Lemme tell ya, 21 years can rack up a lot of souvenirs.

What's bad is that I look at my life and see all of the things I want to change....I see this bitter, cynical person I'm becoming that I don't want to be...then I see all of the changes that I have to make and become so hopeless about working on them all at once that I become apathetic and the whole loop starts all over again.

*groans* ...Where am I and why am I in this handbasket....?



....That was a joke, people.
Ha ha


Anyhow...I'm done doing my internal tango now. I'm starting to get another headache, so I think I'm gonna head to bed for now.


Later.


~Tina

I have been getting these pretty serious headaches lately....ugh, I'm ready for them to stop now. It starts at the back of my neck (which is usually when I know it's going to be a particularly bad one) and just stays there for awhile before working up from the base of my skull along my head. It hurts...like hell. Most times it brings sound and light sensitivity...as well as the overwhelming need for sleep. I'm in the neck/head ache stage of it right now...trying to stay awake till the clothes in the washer for work tomorrow finish so I can put them in the dryer....then it's off to bed I go.

I'm starting to wonder about something. Well, I guess I'm wondering about a lot of things (no, they're not the winning loto numbers. though as compensation for my headache, that would be nice...*groan* ). I think with this week being a) nerve-wracking and b) stressful, it's putting more pressure on me, which is causing more headaches and, surprise!, breakouts. Which is causing more stress, which causes more headaches.... shall I keep going?
It's like my own body is out to get me. >_<;;; yeesh.

Tonight, E.S.Posthumous is being helpful in the soothing department, though. Their instrumental song Nara (you may recognize it by the clip of it that's used for the theme of the show Cold Case) is being played on repeat as I type....which is both soothing me a bit and also making me want to go to sleep.
And since I have an early shift, me thinks that is what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll be able to silence all of these questions and warning bells in my head in the stillness of the night.
Heh, fat chance....but a girl can dream, right (yes, yes, I know...bad pun)?

Oh yes, and apparently our cosplay group is doing a Final Fantasy VIII theme next year...and I'm supposed to be Quistis.

Okay....sleepy time....


~Tina

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

I can't focus on anything and I hate it.
Argh, I keep thinking of something and it's driving me nuts... It's like something that nags at the back of your mind...I'd call it a mental termite or something. Heh...
I don't want to say what it is....but I'll ask some questions regarding it...

Past experience in a certain area doesn't always mean you're guaranteed to have the same experience the next time....right? I keep...going back to a previous experience...comparing it to something that's happening now. Part of me wishes I wasn't, but I can't help it... You get burnt once and you tend to get suspicious, especially when the second experience begins to look and/or feel like the first....
I keep wondering...why I'm in this situation instead of just leaving it. Something...anchors me....makes me think this will be different than last time. If it's not...*sighs*  If it's not, there's a potential for many...repercussions. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm just scared, but...it's not going so well. I've been down this avenue before...and the familiarity is screaming at me like a drunken mother.  It's becoming...something different...something I don't want it to become...(at least in the negative sense...its growing in other areas that isn't so bad).

Maybe I just need some distance...some time to think about this.

Or maybe everything in my head is mixing up too much for me to make sense of it all. Iunno...

Okay, I'm outta here.

~Tina <3

If ever your will starts crashing down
Whenever your will starts crashing down
If ever your will starts crashing down
That's when you'll find me

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

*OneRepublic

*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

I hate it when life comes crashing on you at once. Every day I feel more and more trapped in my own skin...increasingly alone because I'm separated from others by....by what? The walls I build myself? Yeah, sometimes...
I feel like...I should have some enormous drive for life since I'm only twenty-one.
Yet I feel burned out and trapped.
I keep thinking that it's not supposed to be that way...and sometimes there are these momentary flashes of...inspiration, but they're soon covered over with something like lead.
It's not that I'm lazy... I'm just ready to stop carrying all of this pain and anger and...crap. It's sapping all of my energy. I feel like just...crying, but I know that I can't.
I wish I had somewhere to call home...

Well, enough of this sadness, right? *smiles* Gotta be strong...just keep truckin. That's life, right?

Let's see....besides the stuff that's crashing (haha), life's not too bad. Animazement is almost here, so I'll be able to at least get away for a little while. There's much to be done beforehand, though (mostly in regards to school and my cosplays).

I guess that's it for now. I'm looking for a new job that's closer to home - so wish me luck! ^^


~Tina

So I'm updating after....three months! It's a new record!

Actually, I'm doing a quiz I found on Ruka's site...so maybe this doesn't count? :P

1. Put your music player on all your music, then shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how it relates to the questions.

1. How are you feeling today?
"Fairy Tale/Tong Hua" by Michael Wong
(I'm either feeling like I'm in a fairy tale or like I want to be chinese since that's the language the song is in...I'll let you know when I figure it out? XD )

2. Will you get far in life?
"Bodies" by Drowning Pool
(nope! Apparently I've got a one way ticket to the state pen! LOL)

3. How do your friends see you?
"Heaven's Not Enough" from Wolf's Rain
(my friends see me...like a wolf. This is...comforting? Guys, guys...we've seriously gotta talk. Though, John, if you're reading this...a wolf - hee hee we already knew that, right? XD )

4. Will you get married?
"Switch" by Will Smith
(O_o a club song?? Okay, apparently my ceremony will be verrrrry interesting....)

5. What is your best friend's theme song?
"Summer Overture" from Requiem to a Dream
(Well, it's an ochestral song...and Kiki plays the clarinet...)

6. What is the story of your life?
"When the Wrong One Loves You Right" by Celine Dion
(ohhhhhhhhh, this is so wrong... How about when the wrong one loves you wrong? Hmmm. Though recently... okay, I'm seriously shutting my mouth now before I get in deep kimshi XD )

7. What was high school like?
"Stronger" by Britney Spears
(first of all....I swear to God this is the only Spears song on my player!!! lol
Hmm...high school made me stronger for life through the events that happened there? 
....HA!! that's a laugh)

8. How can you get ahead in life?
"Listen to the Rain" by Evanescence
(Well, you heard the lady...*sits outside and listens to the rain since it's already raining anyway*

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
"Cotton Eye Joe" by Rednex
(ok, seriously...is there something ya'll wanna tell me?!?)

10. What is in store for this weekend?
"Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap
(O_o apparently getting lost, watching dust descend, looking at crop circles in the carpet...and a good game of hide and seek. XD )

11. To describe your grandparents?
"Princess Zelda Theme" from Zelda" Ocarina of Time
(...well, my grandmother just died about a week ago...but she was strong, like the heroine of that story. She never stopped fighting until the very end)

12. How is your life going?
"Swing Swing" by The All-American Rejects
(um...well, this is rather acurate. It's a song about getting over old "loves" and carrying on)

13. What song will they play at your funeral?
"The MAcguyver Theme" from the TV Show Macguyver
(yes ladies and gentleman! With just a paperclip and a cat, this woman will rise from the dead and picklock the casket hinges!! O_O Oooooo, that would be so wrong...Do it, do it! XD )

14. How does the world see you?
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne
(RUKA, this is all YOUR fault!!!!! lol apparently as a princess? XD )

15. Will you have a happy life?
"Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence
(it seems I will be a huge icon, but I will also be a huge fake.... O_o how about no? lol
WHAT IS WITH MY MP3 PLAYER?!?! This thing is out to get me.... lol)

16. What do your friends really think of you?
"You've Got a Friend in Me" from Toy Story
(hey, finally a good song came up!! lol
Aww guys...*sniffle* lol)

17. Do people secretly lust after you?
"Crawling" by the Backstreet Boys
(they're just beggin for me, doncha know. ^_~
er...actually...how could I know if it was a secret? lol but that'd be news to me either way XD )

18. How can I make myself happy?
"Tank" the Cowboy Bebop theme
(Go be a bounty hunter, get lots of people, float around on a ship that hasn't been invented yet, and get lots of money!! YAY YOU!! lol)

19. What should you do with your life?
"Let That Be Enough" by Switchfoot & Jars of Clay
(I should...be an airplane with nowhere to land? O.o? lol I should be content)

20. Will you ever have children?
"If You Still Believe" -theme from Legend of Dragoon
(if you still believe that I would intentionally put myself through that much pain, then yes. XD
Actually, I wouldn't mind 2 or 3...just put me to sleep and take them out, ne? ^^;; lol )

21. What song would you strip to?
"Itooshii Hito no Tameni" from Fushigi Yuugi
(Oh, I can see that happening...NOT. The song's about a priestess, for pete's sake!! lol)

22. If a man in a van offered you candy, what would you do?
"Numb" Linkin Park
(ummm...? this makes no sense....)

23. What does your mom think of you?
"Going Under" from Evanescence
(not too far from the truth, I'm sure XD She's been getting "worried" about me lately...how cute. lol)

24. What is your deep dark secret?
"Crawling" by Linkin Park
(MWAHAHAHA!!! This actually showed up where I wanted it to!!! If you've seen the music video to this...yeah. Let's just say the first time I saw it after everything happened, I cried because of how like her I was...er, am)

25. What is your mortal enemy's theme song?
"One Night in Bangkok" by A-Teens
(I shall gut thee with chopsticks!!
...okay, that's gross imagery...lol)

26. What's your personality like?
"Taking Over Me"  by Evanescence
(right now...more or less in some parts. Not so much the second verse, though. "I knew you loved me then" - yeah, still waiting for that to happen. XD any guys feel like confesing...?
*crickets*
*Tina: gwaaaaaaaaaaah..... T_T * lol

27. Which song will be played at your wedding?
"Lucky Star" from Pretear
(yeah, if my hubby is a KNIGHT.
...no Sasame references please. XD We all know he's a hot bishie ROFL)

Spanish radio hosts that sound like Dracula,
Don the preview guy,
Spanish soap operas...
Oh, this is so hysterical. XD

It's by Pablo Fransisco

Okay, this is officially my second site as my last one was just...full of too many memories that I don't wanna deal with right now. Okay, well that and I was way too lazy to go through and update the whole thing, so I just started a new one. haha

I just saw the movie The Notebook today. I never hardly cry at movies, but the end of that movie and what happened to lead up to it made me cry... It's a great movie, though. Something I wouldn't mind owning one day.

To those of you that are friends from my old site that have managed to track me down (through comments or whatever), I welcome you. To the newbies that happened across me or to new friends, I extend a welcome to you as well.

This new site will be a place where I share a lot of what's on my mind and heart. I will mostly likely post poetry of some sort, songs, story ideas....a myriad of things await the curious. :D 

So...cheers. Here's to New Beginnings. 
`.'Alex